It’s another Christmas without Ben. Christmas lights and decorations, I am no longer interested and the sound of Christmas music makes me cringe.
As a family, we try to honor his memory on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We specifically do things for several families in honor of him.
I have always been proud to be Ben’s mom. But this coming year, instead of focusing on the fact that he is not here the way I want, I am going to try to focus on the ways that he is still with me. He changed me. He taught me what love is.
I can’t help but think about all the gifts I should be wrapping for him and what Christmas should be like. And I cry.
If your heart is broken into a thousand pieces, I hope that you’ll allow someone to come beside you and say, “I know, me too.” If you are angry, I hope you can find a healthy way to release that anger. I am still searching how to do that. If you feel alone….I promise you that you are not.
Know that grief doesn’t fade, we do not move on. We bear the pain. We carry the grief because that is the only thing left of our child. God does not heal all pain. This is a pain that doesn’t heal. It becomes a part of you are.
I am trying to open my heart so that I may see the brokenness around me. So that I can be the one who reaches out in compassion.
I am thankful, that out of all the moms, Ben chose me.
God does reassemble shattered pieces 