Christmas without Ben

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Ben & his beloved Fleetwood. They died on the same day – 4 years apart. Fleetwood, a pit bull, saved Ben’s life many times.

It’s another Christmas without Ben. Christmas lights and decorations, I am no longer interested and the sound of Christmas music makes me cringe.

As a family, we try to honor his memory on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We specifically do things for several families in honor of him.

I have always been proud to be Ben’s mom. But this coming year, instead of focusing on the fact that he is not here the way I want, I am going to try to focus on the ways that he is still with me. He changed me. He taught me what love is.

I can’t help but think about all the gifts I should be wrapping for him and what Christmas should be like. And I cry.

If your heart is broken into a thousand pieces, I hope that you’ll allow someone to come beside you and say, “I know, me too.” If you are angry, I hope you can find a healthy way to release that anger. I am still searching how to do that. If you feel alone….I promise you that you are not.

Know that grief doesn’t fade, we do not move on. We bear the pain. We carry the grief because that is the only thing left of our child. God does not heal all pain. This is a pain that doesn’t heal. It becomes a part of you are.

I am trying to open my heart so that I may see the brokenness around me. So that I can be the one who reaches out in compassion.

I am thankful, that out of all the moms, Ben chose me.

Gary Benton killed my dad but not his memories!

 

I share this every year in the anniversary of my Dads murder. This year is different, Gary Benton is dead. I have not processed completely how I feel about this.

Dec. 16, 1995 Gary Benton of St. Louis Missouri, committed a violent act of murder against my dad, William Bonner, known as Uncle Bill.  A carjacking, fight between 2 gangs, drugs, all of these things Gary was involved in, took his life.

I have been forever changed.  In some ways, I see life as a puzzle – every experience I have had forms a piece of my unique puzzle. When combined, they form the entire picture of my life. My Dad took a piece of my puzzle with him to Heaven, a piece that will never return. He replaced that piece with his beautiful memories.

I lost my dad but gained something in return. He loved and adopted me at the age of 6 shortly after my mother was violently murdered.  For 30 years my dad taught & groomed me to learn of the Grace of God.  Would I give up everything I’ve learned if I could have my dad back? I don’t have that option. The only option I have is to make the changes I’ve gone through as valuable as possible.

I refuse to waste my life devoted to the horrific violent crime Gary Benton now living in Atlanta, GA, committed. I will spend my life as he taught me…to try and see beauty and His grace in all things…And fight like the devil against drugs, abuse, injustices, and offer God’s Simple Plan of Salvation.